My Free Writing

For one of my graduate courses, I am supposed to do free writing 30 minutes a day. One of my writings was about Chris, so I wanted to share it. I have been meaning to start up a new blog describing my life after this life changing event, but hadn't had the chance or will to do so.

Well, here it is...my new blog. And here is the short writing I did for my class:

Monday, November 8, 2010. This is the day I lost my best friend, my partner in life, the man I loved. Christopher was his name. We had been together for 7 years. He passed away from autoimmune disease complications. He was a too-young 40 something year old. It was Unexpected. Traumatic. Painful. Gut Wrenching. Life Changing.

What can I say about Chris? The thing is, I cannot say enough. The thing is, I might say too much. He was positivity and smiles. He was humor and sarcasm. He was encouragement and loyalty. He was fire and light. He was a fighter until the end.

Chris. The lover of sports; the hater of broccoli; the supporter of many a niece and nephew. Chris. The blue collar worker; the newspaper reader; the Sudoku solver. Christopher. The foot massager; the best hugger in the world; the die-hard music fan; the man with the mile wide, cheeky smile. Christopher. The man I was supposed to marry and have children with; the man who would have been a caring father.

My Chris. Simply put, he is my Chris. And I miss him. I miss him with an ache that sometimes overwhelms me. I love him. I love him with everything that is in me. I cannot put into words how his passing has changed every part of my being. This new life without him is strange, hurtful, devastating, revealing. The tears come and the sadness hits me like a wrecking ball. The smiles come when the beautiful memories warm my heart. The laughter comes when I think of some of the funniest things he said. It’s a roller coaster. Up and down. Up and Down.

I want to get off this chaotic ride and just completely heal. But healing doesn’t work that way; it will take time. It will take time. In the meanwhile, I will just hold on the best I can in the hopes that the smiles will someday overtake the sadness.